By Sherri Stevens

Trying to find a real friend can feel like you're navigating your way through a minefield. Minefields are full of landmines, which are explosive devices concealed under or camouflaged on the ground designed to detonate automatically by way of pressure when a target steps on it or drives over it. Have you ever been blown up by a guy you considered a blood brother only to learn that he lived up to his name? Or have you ever ended up pulling shrapnel out of your soul from a woman whom you considered to be a soul sister?

A COMMON MISCONCEPTION

Before looking specifically at the different types of "buddy bombs" that we may encounter in our relational minefield, let's address a common misconception that many people have regarding their role in choosing friends and then also consider what the Bible has to teach us.

Some well-meaning people may not even be aware that it is their responsibility to choose their friends wisely. They may confuse the idea of loving and accepting another person with their responsibility to consciously "vet" a person with whom they might become more intimately involved (whether platonically or romantically), But, discernment is needed when it comes to choosing friends wisely.

One of the reasons for this confusion is a misunderstanding about one verse in the Bible: "Don't judge." This verse is in Matthew 7, and it is not a stand-alone verse. The verse describes Jesus teaching his disciples "how" to judge. Just a few verses after the "don't judge" verse, Jesus gives his disciples a qualiifying admonition "Don't give what is sacred to dogs. Don't cast your pearls before swine; otherwise, they will trample them underfoot and turn around and tear you to pieces" (Matt. 7:6). He isn't talking about actual dogs and pigs. He is talking about people. He is teaching a parable emphasizing how to evaluate the character to whom we offer our "pearls".

He goes on in the same chapter to warn his disciples to be aware of false prophets. He tells them "You will recognize them by their fruit." So, in reading the "don't judge" verse in its proper context, we see that Jesus is teaching that, indeed, we should judge people, recognizing who is safe and who is a swine.

Beyond just that one verse in Matthew 7 on the topic of "judging," there are numerous verses throughout the New Testament that teach us that we should judge and how we should judge. 1 Corinthians 12:15 says, "The spiritual person makes judgments about all things." (Other Scriptural references about how to judge are 1 John 4:1; 1 Thes. 5:21; and John 7). So with regard to choosing friends, the Bible instructs us to exercise good judgment with whom we would have a relationship.

WAYS OF ENGAGEMENT

There are three different ways people engage in relationships: with walls, with freedom, and with fences.

WALLS: These people erect high walls barricading themselves inside an emotional fortress after being wounded. These people trust no one and distance themselves from any emotional connection.

FREEDOM: These people allow anyone and everyone to enter their lives. Everyone is welcome whether they are an axe murderer or a con artist. They have no boundaries and no discernment.

FENCES: These people exercise good discernment and have healthy boundaries. They have a distinct property line (fence), but they also have a gate allowing safe people to enter and exit their lives. The Fence approach is the optimal style for interacting with others and choosing who we do and don't allow into our lives.

TYPES OF PEOPLE TO AVOID

"People landmines" are not always easy to recognize, partly because we may only be on the lookout for the blatant bombs that could pose an obvious threat. Some people can appear relatively harmless but can prove to be highly destructive. Let's consider some of the various types of people the Bible cautions us about becoming involved with:

The Air-Head. The Bible uses the term "simple" or "naive" to describe this type of person who can prove to be quite dangerous. The Hebrew word for "simple" literally means "space in the head," a.k.a. Air-Head. These people aren't evil, but their lives are filled with chaos because they lack common sense. If you are a friend to an Air-Head, you may likely incur the collateral damage of the destruction they bring upon themselves. "The prudent sees danger and hides himself, but the simple go on and suffer for it" - Prov. 22:3.

The Alcoholic. Oftentimes (but not always), The Alcoholic and The Abuser are the same person. "Wine is a mocker and beer is a brawler; whoever is led astray by them is not wise" - Prov. 20:1. That is why Proverbs 23:20 advises us, "Do not associate with those who drink too much wine."

The Angry. This hot-headed person has been taught by someone who tolerated their explosive outbursts that they can continue operating without any self-control and experience no consequences. "Hot-tempered people must pay the penalty. If you rescue them once, you will have to do it again" - Prov. 19:19.  

The Irresponsible: We are not responsible for someone else's irresponsibility. "Even while we were still there with you, we gave you this rule: 'He who does not work shall not eat.' Yet we hear that some of you are living lazily, refusing to work, and wasting your time gossiping." - 2 Thes. 3:10-11

The Denier: This type of person can be crazy making for a sane and honest person to deal with. No matter how well you present reality to them, they will always deny the truth.  "This is the way of an adulterous woman: She eats and wipes her mouth and says 'I've done nothing wrong'" - Prov. 30:20. In this context, the adulteress has such a casual attitude toward sexual liaisons that they are as meaningless to her as eating and wiping her mouth.

The Leech: The Leech is a Blackhole of neediness. Instead of taking responsibility for their actions and the negative consequences of their actions, they seek out others to compensate for their lack. "The leech has two daughters. 'Give me! Give me!' they cry" - Prov. 30:15.

The Fool: A fool can have a high IQ and a low EQ. Make sure you distinguish between the two. "Stay away from the fool when you perceive there is no knowledge on his lips."- Prov. 14:7 

The Waster: These are people who constantly and chronically suck the life out of you. They waste your time, energy, and resources. They never take ownership of their poor choices and lack any accountability for how their poor choices created their bad consequences.  They live their lives as though others should subsidize their irresponsible lifestyle.

There is a parable in the Bible that is a good metaphor for how these people deplete others of time, energy, and resources: “A certain man had a fig tree that had been planted in his vineyard, and he came looking for fruit on it but did not find any; so he said to the vineyard-keeper, ‘For three years I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree and have found none. Cut it down! Why does it even use up the ground [depleting the soil and blocking the sunlight]?’ - Luke 13:10-11.

Notice that Jesus acknowledges that this fig tree is not only fruitless, but it is depleting the soil of its healthy nutrients and blocking the sunlight! His instruction was to "Cut it down!" Certain people in our lives may not necessarily be explosive, but they can be exploitive. Those are people we should consider cutting out of our lives.

The Seductress: This woman is just scary! She is cunning and calculating, and her heart is a trap! "I find more bitter than death the woman who is a snare. whose heart is a trap and whose hands are chains. The man who pleases God will escape her, but the sinner she will ensnare." - Ecc. 7:26

WRAPPING IT UP

The Bible offers us much valuable wisdom on how we can choose our friends wisely: "Those who walk with the wise will become wise, but a companion of fools will suffer harm" (Prov. 13:20). "Bad company corrupts good character" (1 Cor. 15:33). But it is our job to practice the application of God's information. That is relational wisdom.

Suffer No Fool!

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