by Sherri Stevens

I don't know about you, but the term "self-love" has always sounded a bit cringey to me. You pick up your coffee from the barista, and it has the "Love yourself" morning mantra on the side of the cup. Is it just me, or does such a syrupy sentiment somewhat repulse you, too? Is anyone buying this saccharine "Self-Love" the world is selling?

I created two categories for those who seem overly eager to wave their "self-love" banner: those whom I considered to be egotistical narcissists or those whom I thought to have found a great excuse to live irresponsible, victim-led lives. But could there be a third category? Could there be a healthy form of self-love? First, let's look at the secular self-love model and the fallout of following this faulty formula.

WHERE SECULAR SELF-LOVE GETS IT WRONG

If the secular self-love model worked, why do we always seem to sabotage ourselves? Maybe it's because we know we don't deserve love deep down inside. We do our best to earn love, but our best is never good enough, which puts us in an endless cycle of trying to do our best, failing, and then, because we know we don't deserve love, we give way to sabotaging ourselves.

We know we should start working on areas we struggle in rather than neglecting them in the name of self-acceptance. We know we should be courageous enough to do something proactive rather than passively surrendering to our self-pity. Isn't the internal conflict we experience because we know we can do better? That's why the secular self-love model is a cycle of futility. Isn't it just a way for us to try and quiet our troubled conscience so we can live in denial of what we know is true? We don't deserve love according to our merits.

Reciting positive affirmations and posting hollow puff pieces on our mirrors may not be the antidote to healing our sick and self-loathing hearts we thought it was. Could there be a different model that offers hope for our anxious hearts? Let's examine what the Bible says about self-love and the truth about our spiritual condition.

WHAT IS "SELF-LOVE" ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE?

The Bible addresses "self-love" both negatively and positively. In 2 Timothy 3:2-5, Paul says, "In the last days…people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive…without self-control…swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God." Not a good look, people! This passage shows self-love in a negative light.

Consider also Paul's summary of the law: "For the commandments, 'You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,' and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself" (Rom. 13:9). Paul is saying that the way we love our neighbors is through the Golden Rule: to treat others as we want to be treated. It assumes we love ourselves enough to want to be treated justly and respectfully.

Paul also describes a husband's love for his wife in Ephesians 5:28-29, "Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. No one ever hated his flesh, but nourished and cherished it, just as Christ does the church." This language suggests much more than keeping ourselves from starving. Paul assumes we would look after our well-being and avoid putting ourselves in unhealthy situations. In both the summary of the law and Ephesians 5, the Bible encourages us to focus on things that nourish, cherish, and build up our own lives.

Sometimes, Christians live their lives in a state of perpetual self-lament, deflecting compliments and referring to themselves only in the bleakest of terms. This language of self-lament does exist in Scripture (Ps. 22:6; 51), but in context, self-lament is issued after we recognize our sin. But when we look to the Lord in repentance, He is the one who is the Lifter of our heads (Ps. 3:3).

In a classic passage in Romans 7, the Apostle Paul describes the struggle believers face in their battle between the flesh and the spirit:
"For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it" (Rom. 18-20).

This passage highlights why we struggle with self-love, even as believers. Many times, we do what we do not want to do! But as believers, we acknowledge the truth of our fallen nature and the struggle we experience between flesh and spirit. We make mistakes, sin, have regrets, and hurt others, and others hurt us. Until we get to our eternal home in glory, this is the reality of the battle we will fight day by day. But as the passage in Romans 7 continues, we see that there is hope for our sinful condition: "What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Rom. 8:22)

THE SOURCE OF SELF-LOVE IS FOUND IN OUR CREATOR

Since self-love can be used positively and negatively, whether it's good or bad, it misses the point. We must tell the truth about ourselves—including our sinfulness. We must acknowledge that the love we need most we cannot give to ourselves or speak into ourselves through positive affirmations. But the Bible points us to something more powerful than what we can say about ourselves—it points us to what our Creator says about us: We are the apple of His eye (Ps. 17:8). We are His beloved (Isa. 43:1; Jer. 31:3). We can love ourselves and others because He first loved us! (1 John 4:19).

Self-love cannot be manufactured in a vacuum, and humans cannot create it. The only solution to experiencing healthy self-love is looking to God as our Source. It is when we first receive His love for us that we can then love ourselves. "God demonstrated His own love toward us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Rom. 5:8). Christ died for us while we were yet sinners! He didn't die for us because we were pretty and polished. We weren't polished and shiny back then and we certainly aren't polished or shiny now. But He still loves us!

God knows you better than you know yourself. He created you! Psalm 139 says, "For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful; I know that full well" (Ps. 139:12-13). Because God knit you together and wired you, you can learn more about your authentic self when you pursue communion with Him.

By learning more about the fullness of His love, we will realize that this God who extended grace to us for our past mistakes continues to extend grace to us even now despite our anxieties, uncertainties, and failures. He does not love us because we deserve it. He loves us because He created us, and we are His children. He does not shun or condemn us for the complexity of our fragile condition, but He embraces our fragile state with grace. When we have an accurate view of ourselves balanced with God's grace and love, we can finally experience a healthy self-love that will lead us to live peaceful lives in humility and confidence.

CLOSING THOUGHT

Lastly, I want to leave you with a final thought that I think sums up this topic about self-love well. This is one of my favorite quotes by Corrie Ten Boom: “If you look at the world, you'll be distressed. If you look within, you'll be depressed. If you look at God you'll be at rest.” May you continue to look to God as the Source of your self-love resting in the truth of how much He loves you.

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